Rejection Sensitivity: Understanding Trauma, Triggers, and Boundaries
Rejection Sensitivity is a part of our overall issues with Emotional Dysregulation, along with Imposter Syndrome, and these are often the results of significant trauma or long-term trauma. People with ADHD feel things more, and it's honestly how our brains are wired. This isn’t just in regards to negative feelings, but also our positive feelings. However, because of how many of us grow up, we often develop PTSD and CPTSD at 3-4 times more than the average. Managing this struggle takes a combination of multiple different systems.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a related, but separate issue, where we feel a physiological reaction to a perceived or actual rejection. However, the cause and treatment is the same. The roots of these issues come from various types of trauma, such as emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, neglect, or witnessing violence. Even things that might not seem like a big deal to others can seriously mess us up. Chronic stress, bullying, or growing up in a home where our feelings weren't validated can all contribute to developing Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
Treatment with a Doctor
Getting diagnosed is the first key. We may not just deal with ADHD, as said above, we also need to find out if we have CPTSD or PTSD. This requires a specific type of treatment, which includes stimulants along with an emotional regulation medication. Working with a doctor who understands ADHD and trauma is integral to this process. Your doctor should develop a personalized treatment plan based on a thorough assessment of your symptoms and medical history. For many of us with ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity, a combination of medication (like stimulants or mood stabilizers) works best. Finding the right medication and dosage may take some trial and error, so be patient and honest with your doctor. They may also recommend lifestyle changes, such as regular exercise, a balanced diet, good sleep hygiene, and stress management techniques. Remember, treatment is a collaborative process, so don't hesitate to ask questions, voice concerns, or advocate for yourself.
Treatment with a Therapist
Part of this treatment plan should definitely include therapy with an ADHD and Trauma informed therapist who can help us process our emotions and dig down and discover where the roots of the issues come from. This is where we learn to identify triggers - what words, phrases, tones, environments put you into a state of anger/frustration/trauma response? Once you discover these, you can start to recognize how to avoid them, OR be aware that this may cause an issue and put in place the emotional regulation tools that you learn from therapy.
From there it is ongoing therapy to keep discovering new issues and processing issues as they come up. Because of our memory issues, we often can't just list out every issue that we have, but instead, we have to process them as the triggers are found. This is because instead of linear memory, we have a trigger based memory. So this is where journaling comes into play, putting those things down so that we can discuss them with the therapist later on.
A huge part of therapy is learning to set boundaries. We have to learn how to communicate our triggers and needs to the people around us, whether that's our family, friends, or even coworkers. If we know that certain criticism or tone of voice sets us off, we have to be able to tell people, "Hey, when you talk to me like that, it really triggers my trauma response. I need you to communicate with me in a different way." And if people can't respect those boundaries, then we may need to limit our contact with them or cut them out of our lives altogether. It's not easy, but it's necessary for our mental health and well-being.
Building a Support System
Which brings us to building a support system. This is so crucial for managing Rejection Sensitivity. We need to have people around us who get it, who understand what we're going through and are willing to work with us and respect our boundaries. This includes our doctors, therapists, partners, family, and friends.
It's important to be selective about who we let into our inner circle. Not everyone is going to understand or be supportive, and that's okay. We have to focus on the people who are willing to learn and grow with us. And if someone consistently disrespects our boundaries or triggers us, even after we've communicated our needs, then it may be time to re-evaluate that relationship.
Support groups can be a great resource too. In the Men’s ADHD Support Group, we have weekly calls where people can share their experiences, get feedback, and feel supported. It's so helpful to know that you're not alone in this, that there are other people who understand what you're going through.
Building a strong support system takes time and effort, but it's so worth it. When we have people in our corner who love us, respect our boundaries, and support us through the tough times, it makes all the difference in managing Rejection Sensitivity and healing from trauma.
Final Words
I know that this seems like a lot, but you have to realize that we are dealing with sometimes decades worth of trauma, and there is no way to deal with this quickly. This will take a lifetime of work, but starting the process now will start you on a path of self-discovery and will help you tremendously. It's a journey, but it's one that's totally worth taking.
Shane Thrapp is a Certified ADHD Life, Relationship, and Career Coach, and the Operations Director for our nonprofit.
Through his business, Creating Order From Chaos, he has helped hundreds of people find their paths through the chaos of life with ADHD and find their order and purpose.
He is also the Operations Director for our nonprofit Men’s ADHD Support Group and a public speaker who works to be a voice in advocacy for adult ADHD awareness.
If you want to help support our efforts, then please consider donating or volunteering so that we can keep Inspiring, Educating, and Empowering men to thrive with their ADHD.
