The 5 Stages of The ADHD Journey
Dealing with untreated ADHD can be difficult and overwhelming for anyone, but it can be especially challenging for men. One of the biggest things we have discovered in observing the Men’s ADHD Support Facebook Group and in our Discord chat server is that many men go on a very similar journey through different stages of their ADHD. Take some time today and follow us on this journey from our observations.
Many men take years to go through these stages, and it’s important to note that these are also not linear in some cases. However many seem to follow a similar path through their life with untreated ADHD. Because many of us deal with a lack of support as children, and the higher likelihood of difficult or traumatic childhoods, this causes several issues with comorbidities that people who are neurodivergent face. This is exacerbated by the difficulties that they have as they lose the structure and stability of school and living at home with their parents and are out in the world on their own. Sometimes, they find coping mechanisms within work that replace that structure, or provide the dopamine that people with ADHD need to function. We see this as a higher percentage of men with ADHD being found in the military, emergency services, as firefighters, and police officers.
Denial
What we often see first is Denial, and it seems to occurs early on. This is when men may initially reject the idea that they have ADHD, or try to downplay its significance. They may feel overwhelmed or in disbelief that this is something that they have to deal with. Masking is a common occurrence from an early age, and an early form of denial. It comes from a desperation to fit in with the people around them. The stress from masking is where we see a lot of self-medication and addiction. The belief that self-medicating is better than treatment/therapy and fear of being “labeled” as “different”. As we get older, there is also an overwhelming need by men to fit in based on societal toxic stereotypes. Many are taught that men are supposed to do things on their own and not ask for help. On top of this, therapy and going to the doctor is seen as a weakness and shameful. The flip-side of this, ADHD diagnosis and stimulants have gained a significantly negative connotation in our society and is seen as another form of weakness. This combination is a double-whammy and a big cause for the Denial aspect of the process and can last for years.
Anger
There is also a tendency to deal with self-destructive behaviors that often develop into another common theme we see, which is Anger. Men often feel confused, frustrated and resentful about why and how their lives are so difficult. Some will blame others for not recognizing or addressing their condition earlier. This revelation can be so overwhelming they also may turn the anger inward at themselves for not being able to control their symptoms on their own. The anger can cause them to lash out at those around them, driving away the very source of support that they will need to eventually manage their ADHD. The other aspect of this is the social isolation that comes from this, that often turns into a worsening of symptoms. Abuse towards their partners also may occur during this time, especially if their emotional dysregulation is severe enough.
Bargaining
Another thing we see is some type of Bargaining. Men may try to make deals with themselves or others in order to avoid facing the possibility of ADHD. They often may believe that they only need to take “something” to fix the issue. This often turns into self-medicating with “supplements” or, even worse, a return to or worsening of substance abuse. They also may promise to change their behaviors, believing that they can do it on their. Or they may seek any other diagnoses, hoping that they can hide from the stigma of having ADHD.
Depression
Often there is a point where men go through traumatic experiences, feelings of hopelessness, and develop a severe type of Depression. For example, going through a divorce, dealing with social isolation as friends move on with their lives, or losing their careers because of their worsening symptoms of untreated ADHD and other comorbidities. At this point, men may feel hopeless and helpless in the face of their struggles and become overwhelmed by the stress and frustration of navigating life. They may feel like their lives are out of control and that there is no hope for improvement. This hopelessness has resulted in higher suicidality rates, and men, of all demographics, are at the most risk for this.(Chalker, n.d.)
Acceptance
Often the men who have gotten to this point of finding Acceptance have gone through hell. Acceptance is amazingly difficult for many of us. Not only because of the negativity, the social programming as men, and the stigma around ADHD, but because of our ADHD symptoms themselves. ADHD affects the part of our brain that governs self-awareness, and often we do not recognize the progress we have made. Our imposter syndrome is so severe that we just do not believe we are getting better, and we are terrified that we are going to fail and fall back into old habits. We see them in our Facebook group, men who have come, desperate for answers, needing reassurance. As they find our community, they discover not only a positive, supportive group of men but also a tribe who accepts them. By seeing this acceptance, they slowly accept themselves. They begin the journey of healing. They start the process. Men come to accept their diagnosis and begin to take steps to manage their symptoms. They may seek treatment options and support, and start to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes there is a progression back, and honestly we may never get all the way the way through thing like Acceptance.
The Secret Final Stage
However, here is a secret, and many people with ADHD discover it, but rarely on their own. There is a point in many of our lives where you claim yourself, where you take ownership of your life. Where you discover who you are. What your values are. You learn that working with a psychiatrist, creating a treatment plan, and finding a therapist will get you on the path of discovering your greatness. And along the way, learn how to change your mindset from that of scarcity to a mindset of abundance with a coach.
This doesn’t mean that you won’t struggle, we all do, it doesn’t mean that you won’t still feel anger or pain. However, what this does mean is that from here on out, you won’t struggle alone.
Welcome to our community. Welcome to the rest of your life in living and thriving.
References
Chalker, S. A. (n.d.). ADHD, Self-Harm, and Suicide. CHADD. Retrieved January 18, 2023, from https://chadd.org/attention-article/adhd-self-harm-and-suicide/
Note by the author: It was pointed out that the 5 stages of grief was considered too linear and limited the actual experience of those who are suffering from grief. We have edited this blog to reflect the same points, but worked to remove the language that was used. Thank you community for helping us with being held accountable for the language we use.
Shane Thrapp is a Certified ADHD Life, Relationship, and Career Coach.
Through his business, Creating Order From Chaos, he has helped hundreds of people find their paths through the chaos of life with ADHD and find their order and purpose.
He is also the Operations Director for our nonprofit Men’s ADHD Support Group, a board member for the Inattentive ADHD Coalition, and a public speaker who works to be a voice in advocacy for adult ADHD awareness.
If you want to help support our efforts, then please consider donating so that that we can keep Inspiring, Educating, and Empowering men to thrive with their ADHD.
