Building Healthy Relationships
A few days ago, we had a new member named Willie Beckley in our group post a question on whether people in the group had any successful relationships. It sometimes seems that a number of issues that come in the group are the varying ways ADHD is negatively impacting the men in our group’s relationships. Very rarely do we see the success stories from relationships, which honestly is more due to the fact that people rarely go to support groups when they have successful relationships. However, in the comments there were a lot of examples of men who had found happiness, and they gave some amazing insight into how many of them had made it.
Below is a breakdown that he summarized and that I worked to expand on for this blog. We hope that it helps you build amazing relationships!
Building healthy relationships as a man with ADHD is challenging but achievable. It can be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life to have someone or multiple people in your life to support you in managing your ADHD. However, forming these relationships takes effort, self-awareness, and a willingness to learn and grow - things that can be a struggle for people with ADHD. However, through therapy and support we can build an external understanding of ourselves, just as with anything else in our lives. Along our journey, there are things we can focus on in our efforts in building relationships.
Mental Health Matters
First and foremost, remember that your mental health comes first. You can’t be a good partner to someone else if you’re not taking care of yourself. This means making sure that you’re managing your ADHD symptoms, prioritizing self-care, and seeking professional help to help you have the external support we need. Your mental health will affect your relationship, so it’s important to make it a priority.
Practice Makes Perfect
Next, remember that no one gets it right on the first try. Building a healthy relationship takes time, effort, and a few missteps along the way. Don’t be discouraged by a few failed relationships. Instead, use them as learning opportunities to figure out what you need and want in a partner. This is essential, as so many of us have grown up not realizing that failures and mistakes are a fundamental part of growing and learning. Instead, many of us were vilified and abused because our failures and mistakes were seen as flaws.
“No long term relationship is easy, and forgiveness and compromise are key, but regular dates go a long way to keeping the flame alive.” ~~TS
Communication Is Crucial
This can be a challenge for men with ADHD, but it’s essential to build a healthy relationship. Open, honest communication means being clear about your needs, listening actively, and working together to find solutions to problems. It also means being vulnerable and sharing your struggles with your partner. These are things we learn through therapy and practice, and it takes time. I know that with our natural tendencies to want immediate results, this is difficult, but we have to make the effort, or we will simply waste our time.
Acceptance Is Key
Find someone who accepts you for who you are. You should never have to feel ashamed or embarrassed about your ADHD, and your partner should never put you down for being you. Find someone who understands and supports your struggles. They should be someone who you never have to mask yourself from, and who loves you for who you are. And yes, believe it or not, there are people out there who will accept and even embrace your ADHD. Seek these people and build relationships with them. They can provide the support and understanding you need to thrive. This isn’t just about romantic relationships, but also personal relationships.
Relationships Are Work
Remember that no relationship is 100% perfect, and that’s okay. Focus on building a relationship that is built on mutual respect, trust, and communication, and don’t get bogged down by minor issues. Be open about your emotional dysregulation, and imposter syndrome, and other ways ADHD affects you. Not just when you’re going through it, but before it happens. Give them the tools to understand these issues, and how to support you through them. Celebrate your successes and your partner’s successes, and be there to support each other through the tough times. Learn you and your partner’s love language and do your best to give your partner(s) the things that they need, as well as asking for the things that you need.
“My wife is an incredible person. She doesn't always understand me, but she at least listens and tolerates my quirks. In return, I do my best to cater to her needs too. We very rarely fight, because we prioritize solving the problem together over being right about it. We routinely remind each other we're a team and pick up the slack for each other.” ~~JW
Toxic Relationships and Abuse
Recognize the red flags of a toxic relationship. These can include controlling behaviors, emotional abuse, and a lack of mutual respect. We can often find ourselves in relationships with narcissists who thrive on the attention that we tend to give when hyper-focusing in the beginning of our relationships. It’s important to educate ourselves on the signs of an abusive relationship, especially as men, as we have a tendency to be blind to the fact that men can be abused. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, it’s important to get help and support to get out safely.
Final Words
So pay attention to your mental health and self-care, and remember that those relationships that last, take time to work. Own that you are worthy of love and affection, and you deserve a healthy, supportive relationship. Accepting love from others can be difficult, but it’s essential for building connections with the people around us. By being open, honest, and vulnerable with your partner, you can create a relationship that is based on mutual respect, trust, and love.
Finally, don’t forget to seek support from others who understand what it’s like to live with ADHD. The Men’s ADHD Support Group is an excellent resource for building connections with others who have similar experiences. Here, you can find a community of people who can provide you with advice, support, and a safe space to discuss your struggles and successes.
This article was brought you with collaboration with Willie Beckley from our very own Men’s ADHD Support Group on Facebook. For more great advice and amazing insights check us out!
Shane Thrapp is a Certified ADHD Life, Relationship, and Career Coach.
Through his business, Creating Order From Chaos, he has helped hundreds of people find their paths through the chaos of life with ADHD and find their order and purpose.
He is also the Operations Director for our nonprofit Men’s ADHD Support Group, a board member for the Inattentive ADHD Coalition, and a public speaker who works to be a voice in advocacy for adult ADHD awareness.
If you want to help support our efforts, then please consider donating or volunteering so that that we can keep Inspiring, Educating, and Empowering men to thrive with their ADHD.
