Types of Imposter Syndrome
People with ADHD often deal with Imposter Syndrome. We often feel like frauds, often afraid that we will not measure up to the expectations others, and even ourselves, force us to try to achieve. Sometimes we put on the masks that we think will protect us and allow us to seem strong. But they fail us in so many ways. Here is a good starting point for people to see patterns in their lives and how to move forward in overcoming these issues if they deal with them.
In our last blog we talked about general ideas of Facing Imposter Syndrome with Support and Community. In this one, we are going to drill down into some specific masks that we use to hide our fears and insecurities. Some of you may have different aspects of these different types, and that is OK. Try to find the various aspects that you have, and work with a therapist or life coach to get better at giving yourself the positivity that you need to overcome them.
There may be aspects of these that you see that are positive, and in some cases, they may be. The key is to make sure that we are paying attention and not using these to mask insecurities or feelings of shame.
THE PERFECTIONIST
When you have ADHD, perfectionism is synonymous with success. Anything less and we fail all of those expectations that have been heaped upon us from childhood on. No matter how unrealistic they are, this even affects how we interact with people as well.
Signs of the Perfectionist
Do you micromanage people? Do you feel that if they can’t do it the right way, your way, what’s the point of them doing it at all?
If you do not achieve 100% of your goals for a project, do you feel like you have completely failed, even with people giving you congratulations and praise?
Do you dwell on any mistake as a sign of complete failure? Does it halt all of your progress?
Do you feel that if you aren’t going 100% at all times, you aren’t doing enough to achieve your goals? Do you think that resting is for the weak?
Have you ever tried to begin a goal and couldn’t even start because, “What’s the point?, There’s no way I can do it perfectly?”
Success for the Perfectionist isn’t something that they ever really see. There’s a drive pushing them forward that anything less than perfection is a failure.
This isn’t healthy; it also costs us in our productivity. We spend so much time checking and double-checking our work, or that of those around us, that we waste the amount of time we have that we could do other things. Rest becomes a foreign concept and we suffer for it.
To combat this:
Learn that perfection doesn’t exist, and that includes the people around you. Try to have patience and compassion for yourself and others.
We need to learn to celebrate our achievements and take positive credit when it is given.
It is important to celebrate even what we think are minor achievements, any step forward towards our goals is good.
Learn that failure and mistakes are a natural part of life and that we achieve better results when we learn from them.
Recognize that rest is a huge part of productivity. Do your best to schedule time to actually rest and relax, and truly try to not focus on anything work related.
Don’t wait for the perfect time or when you think you have the perfect knowledge to start a project, just push forward and start.
THE PRODIGY
So many people with ADHD early on seem to have an extreme aptitude for certain specific things. We see them early on as “natural geniuses” or prodigies. They seem to absorb certain information or skills at an extremely high rate, and those around them, seeing this, begin to expect that everything that they are supposed to learn should come just as easily.
Signs of the Prodigy:
When you were younger, you seemed to excel in certain areas, but anything outside of those seemed boring or useless.
You scored A’s in some classes but struggled in others. Was any success that you had overshadowed because you struggled in other areas?
Do you feel extreme shame when you can’t accomplish something that you see others excelling at, especially those that do not do as well as you in your certain expertise?
If you couldn’t or didn’t understand something immediately, did you find yourself balking at the challenge? Afraid of not seeming to be perfect in doing it?
Like the perfectionist, the Prodigy seems to excel and set high expectations for themselves. The validation that they get from those around them for their achievements causes them to hunger for it more and more. Anything that they can’t do becomes a source of fear of not being able to meet the expectations of those around them, and eventually shame. Because they can do so well at these things quickly, it becomes an expectation that they will do well at all things just as quickly.
To combat this:
Recognize that nobody can do all things perfectly or easily. Everyone has limitations and makes mistakes, and those mistakes are how you learn to get better at things that may be a challenge.
Learn to enjoy specialization and the knowledge, skills, and inherent value that you do have. Use these to improve your life and the lives of those around you.
Learn that you can’t compare yourself to others, they have different resources, skills, and are at different places in their journey. Your only goal for improvement should be to be better than you were in the past.
Try to stop thinking that just because something is a challenge that you “just can’t do it” or “learn it”. Just because you can’t excel at something doesn’t mean you can’t do it. It just means that you will have to take more time to learn it.
Embrace the challenge of things that you want to do. Figure out how to use the skills and knowledge that you do have to work around the challenge until you master it. If it is something that is out of your realm of skills, figure out if you can delegate it.
THE SUPERPOWEREDS
Many of us daydream of being heroes, seeing these people in our lives as we grow up that seem superhuman. We want to be them, but our insecurities scream at us that we are not good enough. So we throw ourselves into our work, believing that if we just “fake-it-until-we-make-it” that we will achieve our goals. Some day.
Signs of the Superpowered:
Do you look down on others as you push past your limits and spend more time doing work? Everyone else left *scoff*? You stand superior in your hundred hour workweeks.
Does downtime stress you out? Any time that you could be getting work done seems to be a waste of time?
No number of certifications or level of expertise is enough. 2 degrees? So what, there are people with 3 PhDs out there.
Do you only feel pride when your work is validated by the awe (and sometimes fear) that people express when they see your insane level of “work ethic”?
Hobbies? Family? Is the only thing that matter is that we achieve success at work, regardless of the personal cost?
We know these people by another name, workaholics. The work doesn’t matter; all that matters is that people see them doing the work. There’s a massive dopamine kick that they get from external stimuli of validation from others of their seemingly superhuman work-ethic.
We see the danger of this now—this constant work and lack of rest. This drastically reduces every quality of life metric, including life expectancy and quality of health, especially mental health. This stems from a history of being compared to others and not having their own successes recognized. The opportunities and privileges of others didn’t matter, only that they “achieved success”, ignoring that they themselves didn’t have the same opportunities or privileges.
To combat this:
Try to learn to recognize your own self-worth and put health above productivity. Working so much without rest does a lot of damage to your physical and mental health.
Rest doesn’t mean to sit there and feel guilty about not being “productive”. Your productivity skyrockets when you are taking time for yourself to rest.
Stop comparing yourself and your accomplishments to others. It’s a losing battle, as everyone is different and others have things that make their success possible that you may not have.
Work on creating your own understanding of success that is within your capabilities and is realistic.
Schedule rest time, time for hobbies, and family/social activities into your daily/weekly schedule. You’ll have a happier personal life that will be reflected as higher productivity at work.
THE EXPERT
Knowledge is power, and the Experts take this to heart. We know that the more we learn, the more control we have over our lives. Many Experts fear the negative criticism of being considered stupid or ignorant of things and thus do their best to learn anything and everything that they can so that they do not gain the stigma that comes from our society’s unfair abuse of neurodivergent people.
Signs of an Expert:
You try to gain as many certifications as you can, as many degrees as possible, feeling ashamed and afraid that you will never know enough.
When you read job descriptions or project roles you can’t meet 100%, especially in education requirements, do you feel they are completely unattainable?
Even after years in the business, do you feel like you still do not know enough? Are you living in a constant state of fear that your boss or peers will learn at any time that you have been a fraud all along?
When you do gain praise, do you feel ashamed because you feel that it’s not true? That you aren’t really this good at what you do?
Do you hoard knowledge from others, afraid that if you share your knowledge that they will be seen as “smarter than you”?
Constantly feeling the shame from not knowing enough often costs us in a lot of ways. Not believing that we know enough causes us to procrastinate on projects that seem overwhelming in their complexity. We spend our time spinning our wheels, never feeling qualified and losing out on careers where we could excel. We refuse to ask for raises or seek out better opportunities because we never feel qualified to do so.
To combat this:
Instead of learning everything about everything, focus your learning on the specific things that you enjoy, find the things that align with your values, and follow your passions. Stretching yourself across so many fields can cause significant burnout and make it harder to retain the knowledge you covet.
Start the process. Apply for the job. Begin the project. No matter what it is that you see that you might be lacking, if you can see yourself meeting at least 70% of the requirements, then move forward and try it. The worst thing you can do is fail, and guess what? Failure is how to learn more and gain success and even more expertise.
Own the expertise and experience that you have, learn to feel pride in what you know, and acknowledge it to yourself.
When you receive praise, add it to your library of memories. When you have those negative anxieties or fears, bludgeon them with the positive praise you have received. Own your greatness.
Instead of fearing a possible threat, become a mentor. Sometimes the very act of teaching others can show us just how much we actually do know and that external stimuli from those we teach can encourage us to move forward with our own ambitions.
Learn how to say I don’t know and be open to learning from others. It’s fine to be confident in your knowledge, but arrogance can bring down the greatest minds. By admitting that there are things you do not know, it will allow you to be more of a part of a team, and will give you access to people whose knowledge is different from yours and you can gain more insight into your own knowledge-base.
THE LONE WOLF
People with ADHD sometimes observe their family members, peers, or role models finding success seemingly all on their own. We are taught early on that we should achieve success, no matter what, on our own. That asking for help is a weakness, something to be ashamed of.
Signs of the Lone Wolf:
If you didn’t do it on your own, then it wasn’t your success. You feel ashamed that you weren’t strong enough.
You hate asking people for directions, how to do things. A true achiever would learn how to do these things on their own.
It’s not that you need help, but others will need help from others when you work in a team setting. You’re just there to make sure that it’s done right.
You find relationships difficult because you come off cold, unwavering, with a your-way-or-the-highway attitude or people may seem to find you arrogant and stand-offish, or even worse, a glory hog, taking credit for work that you didn’t accomplish alone.
Being the Lone Wolf causes them, in many cases, to drive people away. They may come off as superior, aggressively attacking people who criticize them. They rarely take any blame for the mistakes that do happen around them or even throw others under the bus to maintain their idea of superiority.
To combat this:
We have to be open to being a part of the team, as it makes us all better. Having a team shores up our weaknesses and allows us to focus on our strengths and passions.
We have to learn that it’s OK to ask for help, that it’s not a weakness, but a part of a successful life.
Stretching yourself too thin often turns into being burnt out and frustrated. Working with people and giving them support will allow you to take a step back and rest when you need it.
Work to understand that relationships are partnerships, regardless of whom you are with. Isolating yourself like this does nothing but cause harm and cause discord in the team. Make sure to give credit for work that others have done and have gratitude for the support that they give.
Driving people away from you can cause a lot of harm, mentally and physically. It’s important that you remember that in order to manage ADHD you have to have a strong support system of positive people around you. Professionally speaking, having this system in place sets you up for long-term success.
Just to be clear though, some of these aren’t always bad. We should look up to people as role models and strive to achieve success by their example. However, we should not unfairly compare ourselves to them without recognizing the differences in our circumstances. Take some time to digest these and see if there’s any that resonate with. Join us in our Facebook Community and let’s talk about them!
Masking is sometimes necessary, but we should endeavor to not wear a mask that will cause us harm. It can be painful to take the masks off, but authenticity and being who you are will get you so much futher on your journey to happiness.
Shane Thrapp is a Certified ADHD Life, Relationship, and Career Coach.
Through his business, Creating Order From Chaos, he has helped hundreds of people find their paths through the chaos of life with ADHD and find their order and purpose.
He is also the Operations Director for our nonprofit Men’s ADHD Support Group, a board member for the Inattentive ADHD Coalition, and a public speaker who works to be a voice in advocacy for adult ADHD awareness.
If you want to help support our efforts, then please consider donating so that that we can keep Inspiring, Educating, and Empowering men to thrive with their ADHD.
