Facing the Storm: ADHD and Avoiding Uncomfortable Emotions
Life with ADHD can be full of unique challenges and triumphs, but one universal struggle for many of us is avoiding uncomfortable emotions. This is especially true for men with ADHD. It’s not that we don’t feel deeply — in fact, many of us feel emotions so intensely that they can become overwhelming. This emotional intensity can lead to a tendency to avoid rather than confront difficult feelings. Let’s explore why this happens and how to address it.
Special thanks to Judd Groden for giving me the idea to write this article.
Why Do We Avoid Uncomfortable Emotions?
Avoidance often comes from our emotional dysregulation, a hallmark of ADHD. Emotional dysregulation makes it hard for those of us with ADHD to deal with our feelings in real time. This means that emotions like anger, shame, or sadness can get out of hand. Our ADHD brains crave stimulation, and sitting with discomfort can feel like staring at a blank wall when every instinct screams, "Do something!"
A lot of us also have rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), which is a very strong emotional reaction to perceived rejection or failure. Avoidance can be a way to sidestep these triggers, but it comes at a cost.
The Cost of Avoidance
Avoiding uncomfortable emotions can feel like hitting "snooze" on a problem. It feels better in that moment. We are not dealing with that awkward conversation, the pain of being let down, or the fear of failing. But here's the thing: avoiding emotions doesn't make them go away. It's more like sweeping dirt under the rug. Eventually, the pile gets so big that you trip over it.
Problems Compound
Think about it this way: when we avoid feeling something, the emotion doesn’t just vanish into thin air. Rather, it lingers below the surface, ready to bubble up at any time. Unprocessed emotions can show up in sneaky ways, like anxiety, physical tension, or even burnout. Have you ever had a day where you felt “off” but couldn’t quite put your finger on why? Often, that's the residue of emotions that were ignored. Your brain is telling you, "Hey, we need to deal with this!" but you keep putting it off.
For instance, putting off a tough conversation with a coworker might make you feel better for a little while, but the tension doesn't go away. Over time, it turns into fear or anger, and all of a sudden, a small issue seems huge.
Personal Growth Stalls
Here’s the kicker: those uncomfortable emotions? They’re often signals for growth. When we feel disappointment, it might mean our expectations didn’t align with reality, which can teach us to set clearer goals. When we feel shame, it might point to a value we care about deeply — an opportunity to learn how to align our actions with that value.
Avoidance, however, halts this process. It’s like seeing a "Road Work Ahead" sign and deciding to park our car instead of finding a detour. We never reach our destination. Growth comes from leaning into discomfort, even when it’s scary.
Relationships Suffer
Let’s talk about how this plays out with other people. When we avoid processing our feelings, it often creates barriers in our relationships. For instance, if a friend says something that hurts you and you avoid addressing it, you might start pulling away. They’re left wondering why, and you’re left carrying resentment. Over time, this kind of avoidance can erode trust and connection.
On the flip side, if you confront the uncomfortable emotion and share it with the person, it opens the door for understanding and healing. Vulnerability might feel risky, especially as a man, but it’s the glue that holds relationships together.
How to Stop Avoiding and Start Embracing Emotions
Avoiding emotions might feel like the easier path in the moment, but the key to growth and resilience lies in facing them head-on. That doesn’t mean you need to dive into the deep end right away — it’s about building the skills and mindset to approach emotions gently but effectively. Let’s break it down.
Name the Emotion
When you feel discomfort bubbling up, it can be tempting to distract yourself by scrolling on your phone, cleaning obsessively, or diving into work. But the first step to embracing emotions is pausing and identifying what you’re feeling.
Think of it like giving your emotions a name tag. Instead of saying, “I feel awful,” you might say, “I feel anxious because I’m worried about an upcoming deadline.” Naming the emotion helps shrink its power. It takes something big and vague and makes it specific and manageable.
Tip: If you’re struggling to pinpoint the emotion, try using a feelings wheel (Google it — it’s a game-changer!). It can help you find the right word for what you’re experiencing.
Create a Safe Space
Let’s face it: sitting with emotions can feel uncomfortable. That’s why it’s crucial to create a safe space for yourself to explore them. This could mean finding a quiet room where you won’t be interrupted, going for a walk in nature, or journaling your thoughts.
It’s like preparing for a storm. If you’re going to face something intense, you need a sturdy shelter. Your safe space allows you to explore emotions without distractions or judgment. Remember, this space doesn’t have to be perfect — just somewhere you feel comfortable.
Example: If journaling feels intimidating, start with a simple prompt like, “What’s on my mind right now?” or “What am I feeling in my body?”
Break the Cycle with Self-Compassion
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s easy to beat yourself up. “Why can’t I just handle this like everyone else?” But here’s the truth: everyone struggles with emotions, and ADHD brains are especially wired for intensity. Instead of self-criticism, try practicing self-compassion.
I attended a class on taming our inner voice by Roger Dewitt, last year at the International ADHD conference. One of the concepts he talked about was distancing yourself from your inner voice. This concept works for emotions as well. By giving your emotion a name, you can almost personify it and have a conversation with it.
Tich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, suggests inviting difficult emotions in for tea. He suggests treating difficult emotions with compassion, as if they were a friend in pain or a small child. The idea here is that by welcoming and caring for these parts of ourselves with kindness, we can heal them.
Self-compassion doesn’t erase the discomfort, but it makes it easier to sit with.
Learn Emotional Regulation Techniques
When emotions feel like a tidal wave, emotional regulation techniques can help you ride it out. Here are a few simple ones:
Mindfulness: Focus on your breath, the sounds around you, or the sensations in your body. Even a few seconds of mindfulness can help ground you when emotions feel overwhelming.
Deep Breathing: Try inhaling for a count of four, holding for four, and exhaling for six. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system, helping you feel calmer.
Grounding Exercises: Use your senses to anchor yourself in the present moment. For example, name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
These techniques won’t erase emotions, but they’ll make them feel less like a tsunami and more like a wave you can navigate.
Seek Support
Sometimes, emotions are just too big to tackle alone — and that’s okay. Reaching out for support isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength.
Talk to a trusted friend, join a support group such as the Men’s ADHD Support Group has 2 weekly online support groups on Wednesdays and Sundays. You can find more information on our sites on Meetup.com. It’s also important, if you can, to work with a therapist or ADHD coach. Sometimes, just saying your feelings out loud can make them feel less heavy.
Real Talk: If you’re worried about being a “burden,” remember this: People who care about you want to help. And if they’ve ever shared their struggles with you, think about how honored you felt to be trusted. Sharing your feelings can deepen relationships and build connections.
Celebrate Small Wins
Embracing emotions is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. Celebrate the small steps you take, even if they feel insignificant. Did you pause to name an emotion today? Celebrate that! Did you take five minutes to journal instead of avoiding? That’s a win.
Over time, these small steps will add up, and you’ll find yourself more equipped to handle even the toughest emotions.
The Power of Facing Emotions
Avoiding emotions may seem easier, but confronting them builds resilience. When you allow yourself to experience and process discomfort, you’re not just surviving — you’re growing. Remember, emotions are like waves; they rise, peak, and eventually fall. The more you practice riding them, the stronger and more confident you’ll become.
Facing the storm of uncomfortable emotions isn’t about erasing discomfort but learning to dance in the rain. With practice, patience, and support, you can navigate the emotional highs and lows of ADHD and find peace on the other side.
Braden Young is a certified ADHD life coach and a facilitator for the Eastern Washington chapter of the Men’s ADHD Support Group. Through his coaching practice and his website Empowered ADHD Solutions he helps people empower their lives by embracing their ADHD through positive, strengths based solutions.
If you want to help support our efforts, then please consider donating or volunteering so that we can keep Inspiring, Educating, and Empowering men to thrive with their ADHD.
