Clap For the Single
I often hear men try to validate the unreasonably high standards they hold both themselves and others (especially their kids) to by saying, “I don’t believe that everyone should get a trophy.” This is usually mixed with a lack of any sort of positive support or emotional understanding. It’s something that bothered me for years, but I couldn’t quite articulate why it was such a low-skilled, ungenerous perspective.
Then, I had a dad come through one of my parenting groups a few years ago who brought this idea up during the second week of our meetings together. Previously, the guys who had said things like this to me were people I wouldn’t be interacting with regularly, so I would say something glib and move on. But I knew I would see this guy every Monday and Wednesday for another six weeks. I had to give him a considered response.
Over the weekend, I did just that - I considered my response. And I landed on this concept: “Clap for the Single.”
Here’s the deal – I’m down with high performance getting/earning rewards. I’m down with the encouragement of high performance. Only one team should win the World Series; only one person gets to be the MVP.
But…
When a player on your team is up and gets a single, you clap! You don’t refuse to encourage them just because it wasn’t a home run. Or because the team is in last place. When they strike out, you feel for them because you know they want to do well. As a fan, you’re invested in - and reward - their effort.
It’s important that you do the same for your kid (and yourself), Mr. Not-Everyone-Gets-A-Trophy.
When someone (including you) fails to do what is asked, operate under the assumption that they wanted to do it right but lacked the skill/ability either in that moment or in more general terms. Then, teach them. Help them do better.
And don’t be a jerk about it. Don’t assume they were lazy, oppositional, rude, or disrespectful. Don’t assume that they don’t care about the task, their performance, or you. Just assume that they lacked either the skills or the resources to perform at the level you were hoping for. And remember, information is a resource. Maybe assume that the expectations were not communicated effectively; see where that gets you. Energy is a resource, too. Try assuming that additional responsibilities or stressors are diverting power to other areas. Perhaps a little patience and compassion will help more than rigidity and overly high standards.
Above all, though. Reward the effort that was made. Clap for the single.
Did you ask your kid to clean their room? Did they do it? Is the room slightly cleaner? That’s a single. Are there no more clothes on the floor, but the closet and bed look tragic? They got a single. CLAP! Your standard? Triple. Professional level cleaning? Homerun.
If they did what you asked, but failed to meet your lofty expectations, FUCKING CLAP!
Then coach them on how to do better next time. Your guidance will mean more if it’s accompanied by praising and validating the effort they just put in, even if it was a small one.
Regardless of the task and regardless of whom is doing it, whatever they did was a single. Your expectations are a triple. In between the two is a double. Once they’re getting singles reliably, you can increase the expectations by figuring out where along the spectrum of things that could exist in that double range is a reasonable goal and set that as the new single.
This new single should be much closer to what they actually did than it is to what you expected them to do. But you can gradually increase your expectations by giving them time to succeed at the new single and then adjusting things once again - repeating the process until they’ve reached your standard.
Remember, ADHD is an executive functioning/developmental disorder. Kids with ADHD might not meet the same standards as other kids their age. So meet them where they are. Then teach them how to do better moving forward.
Likewise, adults with ADHD will also perform differently than their peers. Meet yourself where you are. Then work on building the skills and gaining the resources that you might need to move forward.
Clap for the single. Explore what a double looks like and how to get there. And keep improving over time.
Brendan Mahan, MEd., MS, is an ADHD, Executive Function, and Parenting expert and renowned podcaster. Acclaimed globally, he's a notable consultant, coach, speaker, and the voice behind the ADHD Essentials podcast. He draws from his personal ADHD experience and works with individuals, families, and institutions to manage ADHD’s complexities. His deep understanding and strategies have made a mark on folks from Massachusetts to California and even internationally.
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