Building Connection: Redefining Success in Relationships With ADHD
In one of our Men's ADHD Support Group discussions, a member shared something ChatGPT had said about relationships:
"Relationships are about mutual respect and connection, and it's important to build meaningful connections rather than just focusing on outcomes."
At first glance, I understood why this felt confusing. I mean, it’s ChatGPT. However, the more I read it. The more I felt that it was… Right.
Connections are what makes relationships important. Not Expectations. I mean, the world bombards us with expectations—what’s “normal,” what “success” looks like, how we “should” act. You’ve heard it all before: “A successful relationship is one where both people die together.” Or, “A successful man is one who provides for his family.”
These societal expectations? They’re exhausting, and frankly, they miss the point.
Relationships are about joy, and the shared connections that we have around those bits of joy.
So, here’s how I broke it down, since I’m fluent in ChatGPT’s tone and all:
Connection First, Not Expectations
Success in relationships isn’t about hitting some arbitrary milestone. It’s not about assuming your date will end in sex, or that a relationship has to last 50 years, or lead to marriage, or result in kids. Sure, those things can be meaningful—but they’re not the foundation.
The goal of a successful relationship is to build a connection in the present. It’s about enjoying the time you have together, having fun, and finding shared joy in life. Zero expectations of longevity. Just the intent to connect, to experience, and to enjoy the now.
This isn’t just about dating either. All successful relationships are built around this.
What Makes a Relationship "Successful"?
Successful relationships—no matter their duration—are about finding someone who enjoys what you enjoy and values you for who you are (Yes, this also applies with accepting your neurodivergence, read this blog for more about that). That’s it. It’s about creating moments of joy, connection by connection.
Sometimes, it may just be one thing that ties you together with someone. One of my closest friends? Our connection is only through D&D. That’s the entirety of our friendship, and it’s enough to make him one of my best friends.
Other times, it’s a web of little connections. My wife and I? We’ve built our relationship on countless shared joys: dates, hobbies, raising our kids, even just being in the same room doing our own things. Those connections—big and small—form the foundation of our love and respect for each other.
The key? Respect and love for who and how someone is, not because they meet some expectation.
Connections in Shared Joy: The Foundation of Success
It’s important to recognize that shared joy is the cornerstone of every meaningful relationship. And here’s the thing—if your relationship isn’t bringing you joy most of the time, that’s a sign that it may not be healthy.
Now, that doesn’t mean you’ll never disagree or face hard times in your relationships. Disagreements are normal, and life is messy. But in a healthy connection, the good moments far outweigh the bad. The shared joy you create becomes a buffer, a reservoir of strength that carries you through the tougher times.
If there’s more pain than joy, more conflict than connection, it’s worth asking:
Are we nurturing our connection?
Are we creating enough moments of joy together?
A relationship where joy outweighs the challenges—that’s what defines success.
Fleeting or Forever: It’s All About Joy
Relationships don’t have to last decades to be meaningful. A fleeting one-night stand can be as successful as a lifelong partnership if it brings mutual joy and respect.
Maybe it’s two people connecting over a shared moment of passion and understanding.
Maybe it’s an old couple who spent 50 years laughing, crying, and building a life together.
Time isn’t the measure of success. Joy is. The moments you create together, however brief or enduring, are what matter.
Building Connections, Moment by Moment
Each connection starts with one thing you enjoy together. From there, it grows—or it doesn’t—and that’s okay. Relationships don’t have to check off society’s boxes to be valuable.
Instead, focus on this:
What do you enjoy doing with this person?
What moments of joy can you share, right now?
That’s what relationships are about. Connections. Respect. Joy in the present.
So let’s stop chasing expectations and start building connections—one shared laugh, one meaningful moment, one joyful experience at a time. That’s where true success lies.
Shane Thrapp is a Certified ADHD Life, Relationship, and Career Coach, and the Operations Director for our nonprofit.
Through his business, Creating Order From Chaos, he has helped hundreds of people find their paths through the chaos of life with ADHD and find their order and purpose.
He is also a public speaker who works to be a voice in advocacy for adult ADHD awareness.
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